Rants & ramblings of the disaffected

Really Useful Phone Apps For Men

Smart Phones for Dummies Guide

Oh come on! You have got to be kidding! I just saw that commercial for those wonderful new smart phone app. I’m referring to the one with the cute actress that says, “Where’d ya get that app?” They also throw in some guy actor that gets paid to look interested.

According to the new geek-speak, an app is short for an application. It seems the smarter we get, the fewer the syllables we have to shorten our words; a side effect from becoming too intelligent. I will admit that ‘Smart phones’ and their new apps can do many useful & wonderful things. They’re like these little mini-handheld computers and PDA’s. The average pimple-faced teenager with his baggy jeans hanging down around his knees carries more technology around in his front pocket than NASA had to put a man on the moon. However I am not impressed. A smart phone that can do my taxes, decipher the IRS, understand complicated things like women and math, now I’m interested. Give me a smart phone app that washes the car or takes out the garbage. That’s what I’m saying!

Why pay hundreds of dollars for new technology and expensive data plans that can only do low-tech stuff that Wilma and Betty could do with just a dinosaur and a couple of pulleys? I just don’t see it. I hate to play the spoiler but do we really need a few more expensive gimmicks that don’t really do anything?

Now that you got me going here, let me remind you about all those wonderful gimmicks of yester-year that have gone the way of the stegosaurus. Where do I start? Remember those awful old eight-track players or have you forgotten the VCR’s that everyone had to have but no one could operate just a few years ago? Extinct! Today they’re taking up space in landfills while someone is living lavish like an episode of Lifestyles of the Rich and Fraudulent. The interviewer asks, “How did you get so wealthy?” He’s sipping lemonade on his yacht while the butler wipes his mouth and he says, “I sold eight track players!” I didn’t want to say this but I will since you’ve got me all steamed up; here it comes. Sucker! What about those awful old computers with memory so low it could be counted on an abacus? You know, the ones with the old monitors the size of a pinto? Don’t blush! Take it like a man …or maybe like a gender-neutral pansy! Yeah, you bought one too when it was the latest & greatest! Consumers are so stupid! They also bought those stereo systems the size of a piano that played records! Or cordless phones that weighed as much as a small refrigerator and had a range of …ten feet! And then there were these satellite dishes the size of a James Bond evil villains ego-maniacal space conquest scheme. Let’s face it. We see some fledgling new technology and get greedy for the latest new contraption and our I.Q. takes a nose dive into the ‘Stoo-pid’ Pool. Yes, I said that!

Let me give you this wonderful little consumer protection tidbit that will save you thousands; just say No. It worked with drugs and it works just as well with stupidity too. You see, this is the way it works. Rampant consumerism is driven by greed and what I can only describe as a gadget-oriented mania obsessive-compulsive possession syndrome – – similar to a kleptomaniac that steals from himself. Which is why we feel compelled to rush out to buy the latest new technology on credit but before you can pay it off at that extravagant interest rate the greasy little clerk in the over-sized warehouse showroom sold you, Wa-la! It’s already obsolete! By the time you make your last payment, you can only use it as a door stop or a paper weight. Or put it in a museum beside the old-fashioned phone booth.

Back to Really Useful Cell Phone Apps for Men; those new apps can do all kinds of nifty things like handle credit card transactions, scan bar codes, count calories, and track the pizza delivery boy while you lounge around on a soft couch in front of a T.V. the size of a Drive-thru while your brain turns to peanut-butter as you slowly degenerate into a pastry-shaped zombie with glazed-over eyes. Congratulations, slug! A hundred years from now people will have evolved back into amoebae. So to help out the industry I have proposed some apps for men that are actually useful. Here they are;

  • One that tells you how long your wife is going to be mad at you so you can know how many weeks you have to sleep on the couch.
  • This one alerts you that your mother-in-law is coming to visit before she actually shows up at your front door.
  • Your wife is hungry but as usual she has no clue what she wants to eat so she expects you to know. This app tells her what it is she wants, letting you off the hook.
  • She asks you the dreaded question; “Does this dress make my butt look huge?” It says, “Yes,” so you don’t have to.
  • She wants to yak while the big game is on. It’s the last quarter so this app acts like it’s actually cares what she’s saying so you don’t have to. Meanwhile you get to finish the game in peace.
  • She’s fussing at you for something you did ten years ago. So your phone calls her phone to distract her while you sneak off to play golf with the guys.

These are apps that men really want. Not some really expensive data plan with some hi-tech phone that’s so complicated an engineer can’t use. The bottom line is that they are just after you’re money! Why do we then buy those out-dated cell phones with data plans the size of a small mortgage only so they disintegrate before you can finish paying off the contract?

So the next time you walk into that hi-tech glittery showroom repository of super-cool new gadgets we call the cell phone store and that smooth-talking former used-car salesman turned smart phone sales rep guy tries to put one over on you; tell him, “No way dude!” And then hit him over the head with your eight-track player!


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2 thoughts on “Really Useful Phone Apps For Men

  1. Funny stuff . . . I will never hear “is there an app for that?” again without thinking of your blog!

    Keep writing, dude!

    • Thanks Hulagirl65 !! You have rescued another blog from being perpetually lost in cyberspace! It was a magnanimous act of selflessness to take the time to read it so I am grateful. Anybody want an eight track player?

      Thanks again to Hulagirl65!

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