Rants & ramblings of the disaffected

Pardon My Ad-lib: Deborah Kicks Butt!

The Take Charge Woman’s Guide To Getting Things Done!

Behind every good woman …there’s probably a lazy husband! …or at least one at home sitting on the couch. All kidding aside, history is no stranger to women who weren’t afraid to step up. Most of us have heard of Joan of Arc but may not know about other lesser known heroines, including this one. But enough regurgitating history.

I may be guilty of reading between the lines here but this woman is one of the unsung heroines. Sandwiched in between more familiar names, two chapters in a book that most people won’t find time to read, you will find her. Deborah. And you probably said out loud, “Who?” I’m talking about the original take-charge, go-to girl who didn’t sit back and wait on the men to do something. She was the only female judge in Israel, which meant she was a political and military leader among a nation of men.

After twenty years of oppression by Jabin along with the captain of his army, Sisera, Deborah had had enough. She ordered her associate Barak (Judges 4) to go defeat Sisera, whose army happened to have 900 chariots of iron. Barak, being the shrewd tactician he was, promptly balked. “What?!! Have you lost your mind? (Pardon my ad-lib!) He’s got 900 chariots of iron! That’s 1, 2, 3…899, 900 chariots to none!” “Fine,” she sighs, “I’ll do it myself”

So much for delegating!

Deborah was the wife of Lapidoth, so like most wives, she knew better than to ask her husband to do it. “I can’t even get him to take out the garbage!” (Again, pardon my ad-lib!) Of course he was sitting on the couch with the remote in his hand, watching ESPN. “Hubby? Would you mind running down to the grocery store to get a dozen eggs …and while you’re out, can you defeat Sisera and his army for me?!!” And he said, “Okay honey. Just as soon as the football game is over!” So she had to go do it herself. The bottom line is never send a man to do a woman’s work!

“Never mind,” she said, “I’ll do it myself.”

She picks up her cell phone. “Barak?!! Yeah, this is Deborah. I’m picking you up in ten minutes. Put on your Big-Boy pants.” She pulls up in her SUV after dropping the kids off at school. “Get in! Those Canaanite’s are about to get it!” So Barak rolls his eyes and climbs in reluctantly. “There’s no where to sit,” he whines. “Move the car seat, ” she scolded ” and buckle up!” So off they go! No, you don’t mess with a soccer mom! Especially when she had to cancel getting her hair done to take care of business.

Meanwhile back at Jabin’s headquarters, one of his underlings nervously pulls at Sisera’s elbow, “Um, Captain …excuse me, Mr Sisera?!!”

“What is it? Can’t you see I’m watching ESPN?”

“Um, Sir, we’ve got a situation. CNN’s reporting this woman rabble-rouser has stirred up some kind of uprising. They’ve got 10,000 recruits rallied at Mount Tabor. They’re saying they’re going to kick your boo-honkus…”

“A woman you say? Hmmm,” he scratched his bearded chin? “So what you’re telling me is that we have ten thousand men led by one woman? Hmmm …probably fight like a bunch of girls! This is going to be too easy,” he gloated. “She’s gonna’ wish she were still baking cookies when I’m done!” So Sisera hopped in his gas-guzzling Hummer and rode off to battle. Unfortunately for him things aren’t going to work out the way he expected.

Meanwhile back at the scene, Barak was already biting his nails. “We’re in deep doo-doo,” he fretted. “He’s got chariots, 900 chariots of iron! B-i-i-i-i-i-g heavy chariots,” he gestured widely, “…made of iron! And horses too! And all we have is…”

“The Lord!,”


“We have The Lord,” she corrected the beleaguered Barak. “And lots of mud!” She smiled.

“Why can’t we have The Lord …and 900 chariots of iron? Barak is still ranting. “Sisera and his goons are on their way over here and we don’t even have a plan. Maybe if we grovel and tell him we’re sorry he won’t be too mad?!! I can’t believe I let you talk me into this fiasco! And …I’ve got mud all over my new shoes,” he whined picking up one of his muddy number tens and pointing at his foot. “How are we supposed to fight in all this mud? She rolled her eyes. “Man up,” she chided. While a frantic Barak is busy having a melt-down, Deborah calmly deploys her troops up to the top of the mountain. “Wait for the trumpet,” she tells them.

Meanwhile, back at the house…

“Hey Dad? Where’s mom?”

“Huh? Momma? I think she’s shopping …oh, and she had to go kick the Canaanites butt.”

“Oh. I feel sorry for the Canaanites!”

“Me too!”

Meanwhile back at the battle… one of Sisera’s underlings is pulling at his elbow again. “What now, Sisera roars, “How’s the battle going? Have we routed them yet?” “Um, not good Sir,” he grinned sheepishly. “The chariot-drivers are complaining their chariots are stuck in the mud on the banks of the River Kishon. And the horses…’ he said excitedly, “they’re are all tuckered out trying to pull those heavy chariots up the steep mountain-side.” Sisera fumed. “Call a tow truck,” he bellowed, “and get them unstuck!” “We tried that but their cell phones can’t get a signal up there! Sir, they’re kicking our boo-honkus!” Shortly after, his army has been routed and Sisera has to flee on foot to escape.

“How’d you know…” Barak gushed, “that their chariots were going to get bogged down in the mud like that? “You turned their strengths into weakness!” “Oh,” she brushed it off non-chalantly. “I pulled up a map on Google and saw their weak spot. They trusted in their chariots and we trusted in The Lord!”

Right after Sisera and his group of thugs were routed, Deborah had to go. Barak hollered, “Hey, where you going? The camera crew just got here. We’re gonna’ be on Oprah!” “I gotta go get supper,” she said. Meanwhile Barak was busy telling the news reporter how he outsmarted Sisera.

Back at the house. Deborah walks in the door.

“Honey?!! Where have you been? What’s for supper?”

“Don’t worry. I ordered pizza.”

After it was all over, she went on Facebook and posted Judges chapter 5 on her status.

– – – – – –
By the end of the day, Sisera had to jump out of his Hummer and ran away like a little ….I was going to say …girl but that’s a poor analogy. I guess he ran away like a full-grown man, which is what he was …sort of. A bit later he met an untimely demise. Seems like another woman had to step up to finish the job but that’s another story.


Single Post Navigation

4 thoughts on “Pardon My Ad-lib: Deborah Kicks Butt!

  1. Love it! You made my day!

    • Thanks Diane! It’s a shame more people know about Samson than Deborah! She got a lot done in just one chapter! Chapter 5 was just a quick stop to catch her breath.

      So glad you liked this!!!!!!

  2. Great modern day “re-write” of Deborah as judge of Israel! Thanks for sharing your humour!

    • Definitely an unsung heroine! The narrative in chapter four is so full of over-looked strategy that most just read over. Brilliant tactics, turning their strength into a weakness by setting the terms and taking the advantageous position! I had a lot of fun re-casting the characters! I am glad you liked it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: