Imaginary Self-help Clinic For Delusional Writers
Warning to Readers. This material from ‘Jimagain’ must not be distributed without a warning label and may be hazardous to your mental health. Repeated use is discouraged and only advised under medical supervision. Discontinue use immediately if you have any of these symptoms…redness or swelling of eyes, nausea, emotional distress, depression, diarrhea, hysterical laughing, or feelings of paranoia.
WARNING: Reading material from jimagain has been known to cause cancer in laboratory rats; if you have rats that can read, do NOT allow them to read this!
Clinic In Session
Ever want to be a writer? Perhaps I should first ask if you have a history of entertaining other delusions as well? Are you given to frequent departures from reality? Yes, this is a concern if, for example, you are also occasionally subjected to alien abductions or are familiar with a large talking bipedal rabbit named Harvey who happens to wear a tuxedo. If you answer no, or you at least recognize such behavior as delusional, then you may still maintain a legitimate hold on reality. My experience is that writing, among other deviant forms of behavior, is a purely delusional endeavor and is usually accompanied by other mental disorders. These may include the onset of senility, dementia, alzheimer’s, incontinence, and in the male gender – impotence! If you’re still contemplating being a writer it’s probably too late to seek professional help.
One question you have to ask is, what compels a person to want to write? To put this in context, I should also note that humanity has a long and nefarious association with flogging and other forms of public humiliation. But writing? Writing is a self-inflicted malady; like putting yourself in the stock, a self-imposed pillory. Which leads me to suspect that many writers were previously engaged in self-denigrating behavior in their prior lives.
Getting started is always difficult. If you want to bypass the normal route most take and immediately skyrocket into fame, I suggest you plagiarize. Otherwise you’re in for a long trek, which will probably include several phases along the path to achieving said goal;
- Mildly Delusional – “I want to be a writer”
- Pathetic – thinking your material is good
- Desperation – Quitting your job at the 7-11 to make $$ writing full-time
- Reality – Asking your boss at the 7-11 for your job back,
- You may periodically repeat steps 3 and 4 as often as you like
My Crtics! What Do They Know?
Not only do you have to be a shameless self-promoter, it helps to be thick-skinned. Any endeavor has it’s share of critics, this one is no exception. I myself have had my share but I learned to block them out. Besides, my critics …what do they know? Here’s what a few of them have said;
Shakespeare: “Behold, he sucketh enormously!”
Poe: “His writing scares the bejeebers out of me! Anybody want a dead cat?”
Dr. Seuss: “I would not read him in a log, I would read him on a hog; I do not like Jimagain, I do not like him, Spam I am!”
Mark Twain: “Jumping bullfrogs! I just rolled over in my literary grave!”
Louis LaMour: “Let’s take him out and hang him …or we can shoot him dead between the eyes!”
Stephen Hawking: “Oh great! Another black hole in the literary universe!”
Siskel & Eibert: “Two Thumbs Down. This is not just crap, it’s really bad crap!”
Oprah Winfrey: “He is NOT on my approved book list.”
Dr. Phil: “You suck! Your readers feel violated. How does that make you feel?”
My wife: “Are you on the computer again? Get up and go clean the toilet!”
My 3rd grade teacher: “If you tell me your dog ate your homework one more time…”
Cletus, my dog: “Rowf!! Aaarff, aaarrff! Grrrrr!”
…but that’s ok with me because that means somewhere in the multi-verse there is a reverse parallel dimension where there’s an alternate persona of me who is really an awesome writer!
Meet The Community!
For the rest of you poor delusional saps like me with similar afflictions, who still think you can actuallly write; I’ve organized a local chapter of the AA, the Author’s Anonymous. Join me in a recent session where we introduce ourselves to the ‘community’. It’s almost time to start. Seated in a semi-circle of cold metal folding chairs are a collection of sundry haggard-looking participants in varying states of denial, some of which are cognizant. Let me introduce you to a few; there’s Bob. He’s that guy with the ‘toothy’ Cheshire-cat grin. See the girl with the creepy big-bug-eyed stare? The empty chair beside her is for her imaginary agent. Dont sit there! The guy on the end in the suspenders and wearing a bow-tie, he has some kind of twitching thing going on… Wait! It’s my turn to stand up.
“My name is Jim. I’m a writer and I suck…”
“Hi Jim” (unenthusiastic response in unison from recovering ‘write-a-holics’)
Hey! Maybe I will see you there?!! I’ll save you a seat.