jimagain

Rants & ramblings of the disaffected

Archive for the month “February, 2012”

The Washing Machine Ate My Brother

But on the bright side…

I still can’t forget the time that old washing machine almost ate my brother.

It was an anachronistic throwback of a washing machine I remember so well. And this antiquated piece of machinery was responsible for the single-most traumatic experience of my young life, other than maybe when the monkey attacked cousin Mike…but that’s another story. Built sort of like a primitive version of R2D2, it consisted of a tub mounted on legs with two wringers mounted over the tub and driven by a belt which ran the agitator as well as the wringers. Wet, soggy clothes were fished from the tub and fed by hand through the wringers squeezing the water out of the wet clothes, which were then hung out on a solar-powered clothesline to complete. Such was the technology at our house in the mid-sixties.

I suppose the crude device was at least one step up in the right direction on the evolutionary ladder among inanimate objects and was slightly better than a contraption straight out of the Flintstones. Perhaps if we had a few prehistoric brutes lumbering about, we could have harnessed them instead for more ingenious forms of paleolithic engineering.

Long before “Terminator, The Rise Of The Machines” came out, I was already convinced that machines were evil and were only waiting their turn to turn on mankind when we were least expecting it. I may have been 8 when the washing machine tried to devour my younger brother starting with his arm and slowly pull him through the wringer until digested. It was a harrowing experience to say the least. Being the calm and cool person I was, I promptly panicked and screamed. Meanwhile in the midst of my primal meltdown, mom calmly disengaged the rack the rollers were mounted on, releasing the tension, and immediately saved the day. My brother is now thankfully able to pick his nose with either hand. Although a conceivably happier ending than the prospect of my brother running around the house minus an arm pulled off nonetheless it still led to much suffering and misery in my life when he eventually learned to play the piano. Not a lot of one-armed piano players out there! There was a one-armed villain that caused a lot of trouble on The Fugitive but I don’t think he played the piano?

This was before Alfred Hitchcock or Rod Serling were allowed to traumatize impressionable young minds on TV.

To this day I owe mom for my brother who incredibly has both arms and his sense of humor still attached.

Thanks mom!

Life Is Like A Box Of Hand Grenades

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You probably saw the news article on Yahoo today about a botched terrorist attempt that took place in Bangkok. The incident started when suspected Iranian operatives fled a house they were staying in when the house detonated by accident; one of which was maimed when a hand grenade he threw that bounced back and exploded on himself.

My comment is…If at first you don’t succeed…maybe you shouldn’t play with hand grenades!

No doubt these are grisly events perpetrated by cruel men who paint their opinions on a canvas of charred flesh and twisted metal with a palette of blood. Despite that, it was an ironic turn of events that may resemble more of a comedy sketch by Jeff Dunham than the cloak-and-dagger world of international intrigue. Perhaps you too were reminded of Achmed the Dead Terrorist?

Before I go any further, I should give you a disclaimer of sorts. If your worldview is more compatible with a stage on the set of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood than reality, or if you’re looking for keen and insightful analysis of current events, you may as well hit the back button on your browser. Sensitivity training for sociopathic killers is not my forte.

Back to the news. My favorite part of most news articles are all the comments made by witty people, myself excluded, who seem to have a more keen grasp of reality than the writer’s. There were alot of clever comments from readers and some were jagged barbs of sarcastic wit; but you will have to read the article for yourself if you want to read theirs. Instead of giving you the good stuff, I opted to share the ones I posted.

Hold onto your medications and fasten your straight-jackets; here are my contribution to pitiful attempts at sub-par humor. These are random releases of cyber-cerebreal-flatulence and are not arranged in any particular order: Continuing to read may be the literary equivalent of running barefoot and blindfolded through a cow pasture. Watch your step!

  • The following is a paid public announcement by the NRA; Handgrenades don’t kill terrorists; terrorists kill terrorists.
  • Instructions on hand grenades: Caution. Explosive device. Pull pin and hold. Count to three…oops! They left out #2…RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Anybody thinking…Iranian secret agents and maybe…Forrest Gump? (read in your best Forrest Gump inner voice) “Run, Saheed, Run!” Oh, wait…”Life is like a box of hand grenades, you never know when you’re gonna get it” No, wait…”I’m not a smart man but I know what ….KA-BLOO00OIE!!” and then there’s…”Lt. Dan…you aint got no legs!”
  • Quick. Somebody give the Iranian Secret Service more hand grenades so they can blow the rest of themselves up to smithereens!
  • Achmed, the not-so-good terrorist? Isn’t that a comedy routine? Any similarity to persons living or otherwise dead is purely coincidence and is not intended to defame innocent terrorists still living. This comment has been approved by the Extremist Council of Bumbling Terrorists to Export Terror Society for World Peace. Coming to a highly populated embassy near you soon!
  • This article is a discredit to peace-loving terrorists all over the world who only want to bring about universal world peace by exterminating anyone that disagrees with them. Terrorists got rights, too! Somebody call PETA.
  • With terrorists like these who needs Planned Parenthood?
  • Al Gore is enraged. Bombs contribute to global warming. Take away their green credits!
  • The Iranian’s have hired professionals; Boris and Natasha. Quick, somebody call in Rockie and Bullwinkle. The fate of the world now depends on that moose and squirrel team six!
  • You have reached the Iranian Secret Service. All our terrorists are currently busy at the moment collecting missing body parts. Please hold and a one-legged terrorist will answer the next available call. Press #1 for Suicide Bombers, #2 for Exported Terror, #3 for Hand Grenade instructions, #4 to Report Premature Detonation….

OK. That’s enough carnage of wasted cyberspace for one day.

But wait! My favorite wasn’t one I came up with. And since you haven’t hit the back button yet, I should at least give you something so you won’t have to go away empty. The comment was to the effect of, He went “From “I-ran” to “I-walk-slowly-with-the-assistance-of-a-cane”. ” I could say, he went from “I-ran to I-roll” but it won’t be nearly as funny.

Oh well!

Now you know why no one reads my posts!

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Don’t you wish you had hit the back button?

  • Cyberspace is a terrible thing to waste
  • Oh great. I have cow-poo between my toes!
  • This sucked! I want a refund.
  • Sniff, sniff? Who brain-farted????

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