jimagain

Rants & ramblings of the disaffected

Life Is Like A Box Of Hand Grenades

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You probably saw the news article on Yahoo today about a botched terrorist attempt that took place in Bangkok. The incident started when suspected Iranian operatives fled a house they were staying in when the house detonated by accident; one of which was maimed when a hand grenade he threw that bounced back and exploded on himself.

My comment is…If at first you don’t succeed…maybe you shouldn’t play with hand grenades!

No doubt these are grisly events perpetrated by cruel men who paint their opinions on a canvas of charred flesh and twisted metal with a palette of blood. Despite that, it was an ironic turn of events that may resemble more of a comedy sketch by Jeff Dunham than the cloak-and-dagger world of international intrigue. Perhaps you too were reminded of Achmed the Dead Terrorist?

Before I go any further, I should give you a disclaimer of sorts. If your worldview is more compatible with a stage on the set of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood than reality, or if you’re looking for keen and insightful analysis of current events, you may as well hit the back button on your browser. Sensitivity training for sociopathic killers is not my forte.

Back to the news. My favorite part of most news articles are all the comments made by witty people, myself excluded, who seem to have a more keen grasp of reality than the writer’s. There were alot of clever comments from readers and some were jagged barbs of sarcastic wit; but you will have to read the article for yourself if you want to read theirs. Instead of giving you the good stuff, I opted to share the ones I posted.

Hold onto your medications and fasten your straight-jackets; here are my contribution to pitiful attempts at sub-par humor. These are random releases of cyber-cerebreal-flatulence and are not arranged in any particular order: Continuing to read may be the literary equivalent of running barefoot and blindfolded through a cow pasture. Watch your step!

  • The following is a paid public announcement by the NRA; Handgrenades don’t kill terrorists; terrorists kill terrorists.
  • Instructions on hand grenades: Caution. Explosive device. Pull pin and hold. Count to three…oops! They left out #2…RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Anybody thinking…Iranian secret agents and maybe…Forrest Gump? (read in your best Forrest Gump inner voice) “Run, Saheed, Run!” Oh, wait…”Life is like a box of hand grenades, you never know when you’re gonna get it” No, wait…”I’m not a smart man but I know what ….KA-BLOO00OIE!!” and then there’s…”Lt. Dan…you aint got no legs!”
  • Quick. Somebody give the Iranian Secret Service more hand grenades so they can blow the rest of themselves up to smithereens!
  • Achmed, the not-so-good terrorist? Isn’t that a comedy routine? Any similarity to persons living or otherwise dead is purely coincidence and is not intended to defame innocent terrorists still living. This comment has been approved by the Extremist Council of Bumbling Terrorists to Export Terror Society for World Peace. Coming to a highly populated embassy near you soon!
  • This article is a discredit to peace-loving terrorists all over the world who only want to bring about universal world peace by exterminating anyone that disagrees with them. Terrorists got rights, too! Somebody call PETA.
  • With terrorists like these who needs Planned Parenthood?
  • Al Gore is enraged. Bombs contribute to global warming. Take away their green credits!
  • The Iranian’s have hired professionals; Boris and Natasha. Quick, somebody call in Rockie and Bullwinkle. The fate of the world now depends on that moose and squirrel team six!
  • You have reached the Iranian Secret Service. All our terrorists are currently busy at the moment collecting missing body parts. Please hold and a one-legged terrorist will answer the next available call. Press #1 for Suicide Bombers, #2 for Exported Terror, #3 for Hand Grenade instructions, #4 to Report Premature Detonation….

OK. That’s enough carnage of wasted cyberspace for one day.

But wait! My favorite wasn’t one I came up with. And since you haven’t hit the back button yet, I should at least give you something so you won’t have to go away empty. The comment was to the effect of, He went “From “I-ran” to “I-walk-slowly-with-the-assistance-of-a-cane”. ” I could say, he went from “I-ran to I-roll” but it won’t be nearly as funny.

Oh well!

Now you know why no one reads my posts!

If you feel you wasted the purchase price of this Hub, please press the I want my refund button at the bottom of the screen.

This post is backed by a Satisfaction guarantee…or your money back!

Don’t you wish you had hit the back button?

  • Cyberspace is a terrible thing to waste
  • Oh great. I have cow-poo between my toes!
  • This sucked! I want a refund.
  • Sniff, sniff? Who brain-farted????
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4 thoughts on “Life Is Like A Box Of Hand Grenades

  1. I love to read my own posts, then publish rave reviews under an anonymous moniker….but enough about me. Now you know why they shouldn’t teach some people how to read. Don’t blame me, blame my third grade teacher for making me write really bad book reports that no one like either.

  2. “Cyber-cerebral flatulence” – buwahahaha! I’d tell you I enjoyed this post, but it might make me look like some kind of sicko to admit I liked the smell of this particular brain fart. Instead, I’ll go with the classic junior-high response: “Good one! If you lit it, you’d have a flamethrower…”

  3. Thanks again Diane! Whatever I’m paying you to read and comment on my posts…it’s not nearly enough! Once again you have salvaged my fragile ego from the perils of confronting the hard reality that I suck at writing. Thanks to you, I am now free to resume laboring under the pretense of being a humor writer. I do hereby acquit and recuse you from any binding legal or ethical charges you might otherwise incur from contributing to the mental delinquency of a deluded person. However you may still be held liable as an accomplice to flagrant literary littering in cyberspace.

    Seriously though, thank you for your comments! Any compliments from a very funny writer such as yourself are greatly appreciated. I’m still laughing over the recent post about your dereliction with tools! However I fail to see why anybody couldn’t see the immediate value of a hydraulic engine hoist? And on sale, too!

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