jimagain

Rants & ramblings of the disaffected

Archive for the category “Political Humor”

How to Write Blogs That No One Reads!

Over the course of the past two years I have managed to distinguish myself with an impressive portfolio of mediocre blogs that have been largely ignored. To the untrained amateur, it would appear to be largely due to my complete lack of literary ability to string together a few coherent sentences but my wife assures me it’s only because I suck at writing. While other bloggers routinely produce quality efforts that attract a large segment of the readership, my posts have mostly floundered in anonymity and neglect.

I however refuse to indulge in excessive self-pity but rather have resigned myself with a certain savoir faire to my marginal place in the literary universe. It is my karma! And so now I seek to attain a Zen state of mediocrity which I would be content to occupy. That is, as long as I don’t think about all my unread posts languishing in cyberspace.

Part of the problem I face is that I have been forced to compete with impressive titles like, “Laundry Lists of Former Celebrities” or eye-grabbing articles that would make the National Enquirer blush. Then there are those scintillating topics, such as how to create artful crafts woven from excess nasal hair. I frequently find myself repeatedly smacking my forehead with the palm of my hand and asking myself why didn’t I think of that first?

Oh, I admit at first I was really miffed! I confess I too wanted to be popular and attract large numbers of readers who would deluge me with gushing reviews of my work until I blushed. I admit I was jealous of the other writers; the ones not like me who actually didn’t suck at writing. All of which left me to sulk from my petty perch of petulant self-pity as their blogs attracted significant number of readers who actually READ them.

There is however several advantages when it comes to being an anonymous writer that no one wants to read. For instance, I frequently make up completely bizarre and unfactual facts without fear of slander because no one will ever know.

I Love Conspiracy Theories!

I was desperately in need of something to write so I concocted an act of literary sabotage with complete impunity by reinventing history. Journalism, as a writing endeavor, is just a little too constricted for me since they expect you to maintain a semblance of integrity and at least appear objective. They actually frown on reporting events without actual evidence unless you happen to be Dan Rather or a Jayson Blair. All this means you are required to do painstaking research and cite your sources. This is why I prefer to hatch up kooky conspiracy theories so bizarre that only an idiot would believe. And so I surmise that my writings are largely ignored due to some obscure conspiracy theory based on some arrangement between Hubpages and the…um…the Illuminati. Yes that’s it! That must be why no one reads my Hubs. Darn those secret societies!

And then there was the blog I wrote about my most recent alien abduction which only appeared to be similar to the one I wrote about a recent UFO sighting. Fortunately I was able to write about these incidents in complete anonymity without all those annoying media satellite trucks parked in my front yard. Not to mention the incessant demands for interviews! Alien abduction stories are not considered the forte’ of intelligent readers but again, no one will ever know I wrote them.

I once hid out in the woods after dark in a desperate attempt to garner material for a Sasquatch sighting. Oh sure, you say. Another Sasquatch sighting? Ho, hum! This may not seem significant until you consider all the other fakers in the big fuzzy gorilla costumes you see in those badly blurred photographs are in on the conspiracy to discredit true Bigfoot sightings like mine. Actually there is no conspiracy which I surmise may be part of a larger conspiracy itself. No, wait! I remember now. It was Sasquatch and he was spotted…in a UFO and he’s engaged in some apocalyptic war with the Yetis . . .Yetis with light sabers!! Ok. I admit that was not one of my better efforts! I’d be really embarrassed about that one but since no one ever read it, I have not been banned by the Writer’s Guild. If I had really seen Bigfoot, I would have asked him to write my Hub for me. How about that, all you talented overachievers! Ha!

Oh, wait. Don’t tell me, you never read that one either!

Napoleon Flunked Geography!

And then there was the time I wrote about dating Brittany Spears…once. True story! I haven’t told any because after I broke up with her she was so despondent she shaved her head. Don’t go ask her about it; she can’t remember a thing since she was still in rehab at the time. But we had a great time together. In retrospect it may have just been a life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brittany but that’s beside the point.

I won’t stoop to the level of those who would insult your intelligence with worn out recounts of time-travel or the same old boring reincarnation drivel. Even I have a semblance of scruples as a writer however in a completely unrelated incident from my former life; I did know Napoleon in the third grade. That at least seemed like good material for another Hub. Back in the 17th century we used to hang out. After class we dusted erasers and talked about girls. Napoleon was actually a little dweeb which is why the other kids refused to sit with him during lunch, mostly because he insisted on wearing that funny sideways hat. So he resorted to organizing full scale armed revolts during recess when he should have been doing his book report. This made things difficult for the Principal since he often had to thwart his mad maniacal plots to take over grammar school and declare himself dictator. Once because he got a D-minus in geography – -he thought Russia was supposed to be a part of France- – he was so livid. Years later he invaded Russia just because he couldn’t admit he was wrong. This, even after two decades of therapy!!

And the famous pictures of old Bonaparte with his hand inside his jacket? I refuse to tell why . . .OK, OK. You made me blurt out the tawdry little secret. He was adjusting his brazier…or maybe his hand was cold. I can’t remember. My memory gets a little fuzzy after several centuries have passed. Secretly he did suffer from hot flashes and severe mood swings which is why he was so hostile and occasionally felt the need to invade other countries. Now I regret telling you this since he made me pinky promise not to tell anyone.

Most writers would have already received an angry letter of protest from the French Consulate for what could be construed as blatant lies which under normal circumstances would have created an embarrassing international incident. But since no one reads what I write, they never found out. Crisis averted. Otherwise I would have had to enlist the expertise of Susan Rice to cover up the whole mess. If only I can get the media to look the other way until after the election

Since I have nothing else intelligent to say, now would be a great time to insert a pointless bullet list; This si supposed to help you gain more notorerity as a blogger but it hasn’t worked for me…and I tried everyone of the tips below.

How to Bolster Sagging Readership

  • Change your name.

No one reads anything written by Sam or Bob… You must have a fancy moniker. I prefer an unspoken name or you may refer to me as, ‘The Writer formally Known as Jimagain’.

  • Be a deviant. Any kind will do.

Develop some kind of lurid, crippling psychosis. Normal is so blasé’. Psychopaths and sexual deviants have the inside track when it comes to notoriety. Attention, please. Morally upstanding writers with talent, please step to the back of the line.

  • Be declared mentally insane.

Writer’s have the inside track on the insanity plea. Just try it with the judge the next time you appear in court. This used to a lot harder back when they made you undergo psychiatric evaluation or endure endless sanity hearings. Now you have no excuse.

  • Go on a few well reported drunken or drug induced binges.

It helps to have at least one really bad celebrity mug shot splashed across the five O’ clock news to keep up your public image.

  • Angry or dysfunctional relatives or spouses are a huge plus!

This reminds me how my wife frequently beats me about the head & neck with a cast iron skillet. My psychiatrist didn’t believe me either until after she called him a ‘nutty old fruit cake’ and ‘bonked’ him on his bald goateed head.

My latest project…

I probably shouldn’t divulge sensitive information like this about my many aberrations of good judgment and the numerous death threats I have received from the Writer’s Guild not to mention the injunction they filed against me for defamation on behalf of all the legitimate writers. This is why the judge signed that stupid restraining order forbidding me within 500 feet of a word processor. But of course, no one reads what I write so the world will never know!

Because frankly, as I have discovered, no one is even remotely interested in reading anything I wrote. And if you don’t believe that just ask my wife and she will tell you as much.

And now if you will excuse me, I must return to my latest really big project destined to propel me into fame entitled,”Artful Crafts Woven from Excess Celebrity Nasal Hair.”

Betcha’ wish you’d thought of that one!

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Politics, like love. . .

Politics, like love, has often been the retreat of fools. Love and politics. Politics and love. Both have been a frequent resort of the desperate and haven of the unstable. The electorate, like jilted lovers, seldom learn. It’s that time of year, when we the electorate are about to be wined and dined by a long line of smooth-talking prospective suitors. Here we go again.  Same song, different dance.

Politics has always formed alliances and coalitions composed of dissimilar parts. These can be a grotesquely distorted chimera of sorts forged from mutually exclusive incompatablities; or at best a tentative marriage of convenience. Forming these alliances is as time-honored a tradition as prostitution. These affairs, arranged for convenience where the collective whole, usurps the competing distinctions of it’s composite parts. They often exist with the half-life of a synthetic radionuclide, spontaneously disintegrating, like particles of antimatter colliding with matter.

Back to the current political process of elections, which has all the inherent integrity of an on-line dating service. I compare the process to getting drunk and wondering who you’re going to wind up in bed with the for the next four years. To me it seems the selection process is more befitting to an episode of American Idol than the mechanisms of a sane electorate.  One of my favorite George Barnard Shaw quotes is that of Democracy being a form of government that exchanges election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

Back to the incompetent many.

My view is that the whole sordid affair is a lot like a first date between a candidate and the electorate. They take you out window shopping at the diamond counter and give you all these promises with no collateral. After a romantic dinner where they say all the right things, if they get elected, they skip out and leave you holding the tab.

Politics, like love, is full of jilted lovers.

Back To The Dark Ages!

Want to eliminate over-population, wipe out the high cost of healthcare, reduce unemployment, etc. ???

The answer is obvious. Shut down the hospitals. Fine doctors and nurses for prolonging the quality of our lives, ban health care altogether. Or….if you want to avoid the appearance of callousness, turn the entire health care industry over to gov’t regulation to ‘manage’ it and it will soon go the way of social security and public education. You can always blame whichever political party of your preference.

In short, we must go backward if we are to move forward!

Good grief, people! What’s wrong with us? Has humanity been reduced to a bunch of namby-pamby cry-babies? During the dark ages people were so miserable, they were lined up to die. They had to invent new and interesting diseases like the Black Death or the Bubonic Plauge. And wars?!! They couldn’t keep enough wars scheduled. War’s really weren’t the refined affairs we see today but were basically arranged like turkey shoots; where both sides lined up and politely took turns wiping out each other, one rank at a time. Think of a game of Red Rover…with guns! And the gov’t did its part by holding mass starvations…and if there were any stragglers, they routinely rounded up random groups of people for public executions (hint of sarcasm).

Is this too cheery a picture? Let’s listen in on the town crier in the ‘ye olde towne square’;

“Hear ye, hear ye: Today’s current events, we have mass starvation in the cities; Public executions to be held today in the town square, applicant’s now accepted, limit two per family; the forecast for next week is war, followed by rampant disease. Mass human suffering and misery now available to qualified applicants – offer may expire, void where prohibited; and Tuesday’s normally scheduled inquisition has been postponed to Thursday…and now a word from our sponsor…”

The French Revolution was a case in point; in the name of enlightenment, liberty, human rights and dignity, academic enrichment, and the unprecedent scientific advances made by mankind, we were able to execute large amounts of the population in extremely short periods of time (steeped in sarcasm). It was a Malthusian wet -dream.

Let me give out a big high five to technology; and Joseph Guillotine, who (obviously so) invented the device bearing his own name that ushered in a realm of terror and population control; previously we had to rely on hangings which were replaced by a kinder and gentler method of execation (more sarcasm).

To illustrate how conditions were, I will let you in on a little peek backwards into the past. Three guys are languishing in the dungeon, one painfully stretched out on a torutre rack, one suspended from the ceiling in a metal cage, the other in stocks with a large rat contentedly gnawing at his leg.

“It’s my pet,” he explained.

In walks the executioner. “Bad news. We’re almost out of rope, guys. and I’m only issued one bullet – apparently he was the genetic predecessor to Barney Fife – so only one of you lucky guys gets executed today.”

Simultaneously sighs in unison escape from the dejected crowd: “Oohhh”!

“But hey, cheer up guys. We can’t be all greedy…So, I’m making you pick. We can vote you out or draw straws, or we can play the shell game. You get to help me choose who gets it”.

“Me, me. My turn!”

“Don’t be so selfish”, the others chided.

See how it was then? I was able to meticulously and historically recreate the scene through 2000 year old forensic evidence, after watching only one episode of CSI. And this is what I was able to infer…with a little help for my over-active imagination.

Everything was going fine and the population was kept in check, until those pesky ‘do-gooders’ came along and ruined everything for the rest of us.

First this Alexander Fleming guy came along with the unmitigated goodwill to invent penicillin from moldy food. Next thing you know people aren’t dying like they used to. And that is why you had to pay too much for your prescription at the drug store.

Fortunately for humanity, we still had our Marie Antoinettes’ who ate cake while the masses died of starvation but there’s only so much one gal can do. Sigh!

Now all we can do is lament that things are so good no one gets excited about dying prematurely anymore. 30 or 40 used to be ‘old’, now we’ve turned the entire Florida peninsula into a retirement home for old fogies who impertinently refuse to kick the bucket.

So after further review, I have come to the conclusion that life is good despite a bad economy, expensive healthcare, and the constipated system of government we endure.

And I think I can live with that!

Life Is Like A Box Of Hand Grenades

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You probably saw the news article on Yahoo today about a botched terrorist attempt that took place in Bangkok. The incident started when suspected Iranian operatives fled a house they were staying in when the house detonated by accident; one of which was maimed when a hand grenade he threw that bounced back and exploded on himself.

My comment is…If at first you don’t succeed…maybe you shouldn’t play with hand grenades!

No doubt these are grisly events perpetrated by cruel men who paint their opinions on a canvas of charred flesh and twisted metal with a palette of blood. Despite that, it was an ironic turn of events that may resemble more of a comedy sketch by Jeff Dunham than the cloak-and-dagger world of international intrigue. Perhaps you too were reminded of Achmed the Dead Terrorist?

Before I go any further, I should give you a disclaimer of sorts. If your worldview is more compatible with a stage on the set of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood than reality, or if you’re looking for keen and insightful analysis of current events, you may as well hit the back button on your browser. Sensitivity training for sociopathic killers is not my forte.

Back to the news. My favorite part of most news articles are all the comments made by witty people, myself excluded, who seem to have a more keen grasp of reality than the writer’s. There were alot of clever comments from readers and some were jagged barbs of sarcastic wit; but you will have to read the article for yourself if you want to read theirs. Instead of giving you the good stuff, I opted to share the ones I posted.

Hold onto your medications and fasten your straight-jackets; here are my contribution to pitiful attempts at sub-par humor. These are random releases of cyber-cerebreal-flatulence and are not arranged in any particular order: Continuing to read may be the literary equivalent of running barefoot and blindfolded through a cow pasture. Watch your step!

  • The following is a paid public announcement by the NRA; Handgrenades don’t kill terrorists; terrorists kill terrorists.
  • Instructions on hand grenades: Caution. Explosive device. Pull pin and hold. Count to three…oops! They left out #2…RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Anybody thinking…Iranian secret agents and maybe…Forrest Gump? (read in your best Forrest Gump inner voice) “Run, Saheed, Run!” Oh, wait…”Life is like a box of hand grenades, you never know when you’re gonna get it” No, wait…”I’m not a smart man but I know what ….KA-BLOO00OIE!!” and then there’s…”Lt. Dan…you aint got no legs!”
  • Quick. Somebody give the Iranian Secret Service more hand grenades so they can blow the rest of themselves up to smithereens!
  • Achmed, the not-so-good terrorist? Isn’t that a comedy routine? Any similarity to persons living or otherwise dead is purely coincidence and is not intended to defame innocent terrorists still living. This comment has been approved by the Extremist Council of Bumbling Terrorists to Export Terror Society for World Peace. Coming to a highly populated embassy near you soon!
  • This article is a discredit to peace-loving terrorists all over the world who only want to bring about universal world peace by exterminating anyone that disagrees with them. Terrorists got rights, too! Somebody call PETA.
  • With terrorists like these who needs Planned Parenthood?
  • Al Gore is enraged. Bombs contribute to global warming. Take away their green credits!
  • The Iranian’s have hired professionals; Boris and Natasha. Quick, somebody call in Rockie and Bullwinkle. The fate of the world now depends on that moose and squirrel team six!
  • You have reached the Iranian Secret Service. All our terrorists are currently busy at the moment collecting missing body parts. Please hold and a one-legged terrorist will answer the next available call. Press #1 for Suicide Bombers, #2 for Exported Terror, #3 for Hand Grenade instructions, #4 to Report Premature Detonation….

OK. That’s enough carnage of wasted cyberspace for one day.

But wait! My favorite wasn’t one I came up with. And since you haven’t hit the back button yet, I should at least give you something so you won’t have to go away empty. The comment was to the effect of, He went “From “I-ran” to “I-walk-slowly-with-the-assistance-of-a-cane”. ” I could say, he went from “I-ran to I-roll” but it won’t be nearly as funny.

Oh well!

Now you know why no one reads my posts!

If you feel you wasted the purchase price of this Hub, please press the I want my refund button at the bottom of the screen.

This post is backed by a Satisfaction guarantee…or your money back!

Don’t you wish you had hit the back button?

  • Cyberspace is a terrible thing to waste
  • Oh great. I have cow-poo between my toes!
  • This sucked! I want a refund.
  • Sniff, sniff? Who brain-farted????

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