jimagain

Rants & ramblings of the disaffected

Archive for the tag “blogging”

The More I Think About It…

Admitting you’re a blogger or a writer is like confessing that you wet the bed. Not many will be impressed, some will entertain sympathy, most will profess indifference, and the rest will recoil in disgust as if you were infested with the plague. And of course, nobody wants you anywhere near their mattress!

In a completely unrelated point of fact, reading my blog may be the literary equivalent of running barefoot and blindfolded through a cow pasture…don’t step in that analogy!

I am privileged to know some good people whom I sincerely admire but have been known to try just a little too hard at times. They’re so good, they’re bad at it. These suffer from a condition similar to moral constipation. I call it a bad case of ‘rectal rectitude’; i.e., being so upright they become uptight, become overly constricted and, well, anal.

Quit snickering! ‘Anal’ is a perfectly good word. Lest we derive some negative connotations, I should stop and clarify. Anal, being a shortened version of anally retentive, is defined as being overly concerned with being organized and tidy; which would seem to imply that someone was instead somehow. . .constipated, or being annoyingly obsessed with details. And you thought it had something to do with the anus? I bet you still laugh when somebody poots out loud?

Please excuse my analogy but… The more I think about it, creativity is like…a bowel movement. It strikes you at the oddest times, frequently causes intense pain for brief periods of time; like inspiration, when the feeling is gone, it’s gone, and yes, the end result may even stink when finished.

If you have ever experienced ‘brain turds’ you can more appreciate the analogy. This condition is not to be confused with brain ‘farts’ of which the technical term is ‘cerebral flatulence’.    Cerebral flatulence is typically random and sporadic outbursts that linger briefly in the atmosphere before dissipating while brain turds tend to cause you to behave peculiarly for extended periods of time. Neither of these terms can be found in a textbook.  In fact, you won’t find stuff like this on the Dr. Phil show either, which may explain why he has a show and I do not.

What, you say? Brain turds?!! Well, since you asked…they often require concentrated & strenuous cerebral effort, are frequently accompanied by peculiar facial expressions, and often met with disdain by those around you. Long periods elapsing between activity is a contributor to this condition. Oh, the pains of irregularity! Brain farts happen when you least expect them; brain turds, on the other hand, can’t be forced no matter how much effort you put into it.  So there you have it.

Sometimes I get constipation of the brain and nothing seems to come out right or I suffer from the other extreme, extended cases of diarrhea of the mouth. Cerebral discomfort and bloating of the Broca’s Area are a frequent symptom of cognitive ‘clogging’. ‘Brain-turds’ can be embarrassing which is why I often wrap my head with a roll of toilet paper before I leave the house; every time I sneeze, I have to wipe my ears.

For those of you not of the technical persuasion, a ‘brain-turd’ is thinking that may resemble intelligent thought but instead causes prolonged bouts of distended cognitive processes resulting in debilitating dysfunctional behavior. Those afflicted seem unable to ‘pass’ the dysfunctional thought processes that causes repeated impaired judgement, rendering the person incapacitated when it comes to making intelligent personal choices without assistance. Non-academic laypersons typically refer to those with this malady with non-technical terms such as being F.O.S., i.e., full-of-crap. The ‘crap’ being whatever stupid thought processes that keeps them from exercising judgement that is not impaired.

In extreme situations, I have. recommended taking a mental laxative or more extreme measures, such a giving yourself a mental enema. However at no time should you see a near-sighted proctologist after he’s had a particularly nasty fight with his wife.

(Sound of flushing noise in the background).

Oh, those annoying brain -turds! Forget the heartbreak of psoriasis, this affliction is really embarrassing. Anybody can survive flaky scalp but flaky thinking is debilitating.

Well, that’s about as much advice as I can dispense for one day without charging you for it. And Dr. Phil…I’m coming for your network time slot.

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Blogging For Dummies: A Guide To Those Who Can’t Find Real Work

There are many useful and informative articles on how to make money writing on-line. This is not one of them. The primary reason being is that I have never made a nickel off anything I wrote. I suspected a career for me writing would be a bust, going all the way back to elementary school. I quickly discovered in Mrs. Lynch’s 3rd grade class that I had no ability to produce quality literary masterpieces despite many attempts to hastily complete homework assignments in the frantic ten remaining minutes before they were due. Not only had I failed to distinguish myself as a writer, it was getting increasingly harder to maintain my rapidly diminishing credibility. There are only so many times you can plead, “the dog ate my homework” before they begin to question your integrity. It would have been easier I suppose to pull off this chicanery had I actually had a dog but that’s another story. I’d rather not admit I was less than promising academic so instead I will simply reflect on other reasons for my failed scholastic endeavors. My theory is that teachers aren’t recruited for their teaching ability than their ability to intimidate underachievers like myself.

All was fine and I was content with my role in life until I read that article, Ten Easy Steps To Make Loads of Money Writing On-line -Guaranteed!  Suddenly I realised, Why should I work when I could be a writer?!!

It seemed simple enough. My delusion goes something like this. I write something really witty & clever. People who have no clue who I am immediately rush out to read it & I get rave reviews. Book agents & publishers contact me, clamoring for the literary rights to my creative assets. Then I get this lucrative contract to write & become famous. That’s me at the book-signing table doing autographs for my fans. …and then I wake up!
“Honey,” she says. It’s my wife. “Get up. The commodes clogged again and you need to go pooper-scoop the front yard.
“but I’m a writer…” Apparently I had fallen asleep at the computer again, while surfing the web. The imprint of the keyboard was still impressed on my face.
Of course you are, dear,” patting me on the head and handing me the plunger. “Now hurry up or you’ll be late for your shift at the 7-11.”
Maybe now wasn’t a good time to tell her I had quit my job so I could become a rich and famous successful writer?

By the end of the week, my trek to literary fame and profit was creeping along slowly. I suddenly realized this was an arduous and daunting process that could take days maybe longer before I attain fame & wealth. I had reached an impasse and desperately need a plan to jump start my career; hence I devised and implemented a bold and brilliant initiative known hereafter as the Henderson Method. Let me illustrate;

  1. Increase name recognition among the public
  2. Solicit feedback from unbiased & neutral sources
  3. Establish a support network for esteem-building
  4. Recruit qualified professionals to refine your skills and accelerate your career

So how did it work out?

That’s me. Standing on the street corner, looking desperate, disheveled, and maybe a little deranged. With my hair mussed up and collar pulled up around my neck; a guy walks up, looks at me with a condescending look of sympathy and drops a quarter in my coffee cup. I wasn’t finsihed with my coffee yet but that’s OK. “So what happened to you,” he asks. “Drugs? Alcohol? Gambling?” “No,” I stare ahead unblinking. “I’m a writer!” Suddenly Mr. Understanding scurries off like I had the Bubonic Plague.

Later that morning, the next person comes along. “So what do you do,” she asks. “I’m a writer,” I reply proudly. “That’s OK dear,” she consoles. “Times are hard. Lots of people are out of work. No need to be ashamed.”

So why am I out here in the cold on a street corner pursuing innocent pedestrians? I have this continuing delusion about being a writer and making lots of money but most people don’t want to read anything I wrote. So I’m going for instant name recognition even if I have to get it the old fashioned way: Making a fool of myself in public.

That’s why I roam the parks & parking lots and peruse the malls searching for my next victim. I spot one. He sees me coming toward him, puts his head down low and accelerates. “Excuse me… Sir! Excuse me… would you mind...” “No,” he interrupts brusquely. “I don’t want to read your articles!” Apparently my reputation precedes me. So much for steps #1 & #2.

As for Step #3? Building a support network was a dismal failure. How can you tell if you really suck …or not? That can be a dilemma. Need an esteem-builder? Or maybe an honest critique. Hint No. 1. Don’t ask your wife; she already knows you suck and is still mad at you for something you did ten years ago. So who do you ask to read your material? Writers and editors? That’s why they have unlisted phone numbers and have barricaded themselves into obscurity just for people like you and I. So unless you kidnap their dog, don’t expect much help from the experts. So much for Step #4!

I quickly discovered in the real world, no one wants to read something you wrote. Eventually I find a sucker… as he reads, he starts to cry. “This is incredible,” he gushes. “You are a gifted writer. This is the most moving, the saddest thing I have ever read.”
It is?!! Let me see that,” snatching the paper out of his hand! “Oops! That’s my wife’s grocery list,” I grinned sheepishly.

I suppose I could ask for my old job at the 7-11 back?

I imagine years later they will find me crouched over a laptop that doesn’t work staring at a blank screen and typing away furiously while I laugh hysterically at my own material. Crumpled wads of paper lay all over the floor …in my padded cell.

All those online articles on how to write and make $$ while working at home with really pretentious and misleading titles like, “Ten Great Ways to Write and Make $$ Online“; my theory is they’re all written by the same person. That person will probably be in the padded cell next to mine. I think I hear her typing furiously and laughing hysterically.

jimagain: Periodically lowering the bar of literary expectations!

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