Rants & ramblings of the disaffected

Archive for the tag “politics”

Politics, like love. . .

Politics, like love, has often been the retreat of fools. Love and politics. Politics and love. Both have been a frequent resort of the desperate and haven of the unstable. The electorate, like jilted lovers, seldom learn. It’s that time of year, when we the electorate are about to be wined and dined by a long line of smooth-talking prospective suitors. Here we go again.  Same song, different dance.

Politics has always formed alliances and coalitions composed of dissimilar parts. These can be a grotesquely distorted chimera of sorts forged from mutually exclusive incompatablities; or at best a tentative marriage of convenience. Forming these alliances is as time-honored a tradition as prostitution. These affairs, arranged for convenience where the collective whole, usurps the competing distinctions of it’s composite parts. They often exist with the half-life of a synthetic radionuclide, spontaneously disintegrating, like particles of antimatter colliding with matter.

Back to the current political process of elections, which has all the inherent integrity of an on-line dating service. I compare the process to getting drunk and wondering who you’re going to wind up in bed with the for the next four years. To me it seems the selection process is more befitting to an episode of American Idol than the mechanisms of a sane electorate.  One of my favorite George Barnard Shaw quotes is that of Democracy being a form of government that exchanges election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.

Back to the incompetent many.

My view is that the whole sordid affair is a lot like a first date between a candidate and the electorate. They take you out window shopping at the diamond counter and give you all these promises with no collateral. After a romantic dinner where they say all the right things, if they get elected, they skip out and leave you holding the tab.

Politics, like love, is full of jilted lovers.

Back To The Dark Ages!

Want to eliminate over-population, wipe out the high cost of healthcare, reduce unemployment, etc. ???

The answer is obvious. Shut down the hospitals. Fine doctors and nurses for prolonging the quality of our lives, ban health care altogether. Or….if you want to avoid the appearance of callousness, turn the entire health care industry over to gov’t regulation to ‘manage’ it and it will soon go the way of social security and public education. You can always blame whichever political party of your preference.

In short, we must go backward if we are to move forward!

Good grief, people! What’s wrong with us? Has humanity been reduced to a bunch of namby-pamby cry-babies? During the dark ages people were so miserable, they were lined up to die. They had to invent new and interesting diseases like the Black Death or the Bubonic Plauge. And wars?!! They couldn’t keep enough wars scheduled. War’s really weren’t the refined affairs we see today but were basically arranged like turkey shoots; where both sides lined up and politely took turns wiping out each other, one rank at a time. Think of a game of Red Rover…with guns! And the gov’t did its part by holding mass starvations…and if there were any stragglers, they routinely rounded up random groups of people for public executions (hint of sarcasm).

Is this too cheery a picture? Let’s listen in on the town crier in the ‘ye olde towne square’;

“Hear ye, hear ye: Today’s current events, we have mass starvation in the cities; Public executions to be held today in the town square, applicant’s now accepted, limit two per family; the forecast for next week is war, followed by rampant disease. Mass human suffering and misery now available to qualified applicants – offer may expire, void where prohibited; and Tuesday’s normally scheduled inquisition has been postponed to Thursday…and now a word from our sponsor…”

The French Revolution was a case in point; in the name of enlightenment, liberty, human rights and dignity, academic enrichment, and the unprecedent scientific advances made by mankind, we were able to execute large amounts of the population in extremely short periods of time (steeped in sarcasm). It was a Malthusian wet -dream.

Let me give out a big high five to technology; and Joseph Guillotine, who (obviously so) invented the device bearing his own name that ushered in a realm of terror and population control; previously we had to rely on hangings which were replaced by a kinder and gentler method of execation (more sarcasm).

To illustrate how conditions were, I will let you in on a little peek backwards into the past. Three guys are languishing in the dungeon, one painfully stretched out on a torutre rack, one suspended from the ceiling in a metal cage, the other in stocks with a large rat contentedly gnawing at his leg.

“It’s my pet,” he explained.

In walks the executioner. “Bad news. We’re almost out of rope, guys. and I’m only issued one bullet – apparently he was the genetic predecessor to Barney Fife – so only one of you lucky guys gets executed today.”

Simultaneously sighs in unison escape from the dejected crowd: “Oohhh”!

“But hey, cheer up guys. We can’t be all greedy…So, I’m making you pick. We can vote you out or draw straws, or we can play the shell game. You get to help me choose who gets it”.

“Me, me. My turn!”

“Don’t be so selfish”, the others chided.

See how it was then? I was able to meticulously and historically recreate the scene through 2000 year old forensic evidence, after watching only one episode of CSI. And this is what I was able to infer…with a little help for my over-active imagination.

Everything was going fine and the population was kept in check, until those pesky ‘do-gooders’ came along and ruined everything for the rest of us.

First this Alexander Fleming guy came along with the unmitigated goodwill to invent penicillin from moldy food. Next thing you know people aren’t dying like they used to. And that is why you had to pay too much for your prescription at the drug store.

Fortunately for humanity, we still had our Marie Antoinettes’ who ate cake while the masses died of starvation but there’s only so much one gal can do. Sigh!

Now all we can do is lament that things are so good no one gets excited about dying prematurely anymore. 30 or 40 used to be ‘old’, now we’ve turned the entire Florida peninsula into a retirement home for old fogies who impertinently refuse to kick the bucket.

So after further review, I have come to the conclusion that life is good despite a bad economy, expensive healthcare, and the constipated system of government we endure.

And I think I can live with that!

Washington Shaken: Joe Biden Speaks

News Release: Politician Tells Truth! Panic grips Washington D.C. Media outlets confused! Damage control is furiously underway. In an unrelated news release, the White House announced today that the Veep has been dispatched on urgent business to a far-away remote location with no media outlets or modes of communication. My sources add, “…not heard from until a-f-t-e-r November of 2012.”

So what happened?!!

In a recent radio interview, The Veep has reportedly stated that it is no longer relevant to blame the previous administration for the state of the economy, hinting that at some point the current administration must take responsibility. After three years of laying the blame at the feet of the previous administration, the magnitude of that statement is earth-shaking. Admittedly, it’s not the kind of admission you would expect to hear going into the 2012 election. This makes the second time in as little as thirty days that Washington has been shaken since the magnitude 5.9 quake registered on the Richter Scale in late August. Tremors are believed to be primarily associated with news outlets and politicians shaking in their shoes from the repercussions. Rumor has it, Hollywood executives are busy filming the new disaster epic, Earth-quake II, The Sequel.

Bravo Joe! A politician that will stand up and take responsibility? Am I still on the same planet? Did I wake up this morning in some sort of weird parallel dimension? Surely he had to know what he was saying? Joe, what were you thinking?!! Analysts debate; was this a gaffe or did the VP suspect his admission would cause waves inside his own inner circle? Now if he and the rest of the Beltway Truth-evaders would continue this trend, maybe the politicians can accomplish something that resembles real government. His Boss could learn something from this guy! My minuscule respect for the President is going to seriously tank if he even so much as hints at rebuffing The Veep for his candor. The rest of the system on both sides could learn something from Joe. Then maybe they could represent the electorate instead of posturing for re-election!

Imagine…politicians that tell the truth?!! I suddenly realized how Will Rogers got his inspiration for humor by reading about…politics. This stuff is just too funny to make up. So here I go….

Speculation runs amok. There has been a tear reported in the fabric of the universe resulting in strange anomalies, isolated incidents, and other unexplained aberrations’. Scientists are working to restore the ‘normal’ workings of the world as we know it. Officials tell us to please disregard any strange occurrences and resume normal activities. “Do not attempt to think on your own. Please tune in to your regular news outlets to learn what we are supposed to think. This has been a Public Service Announcement. We now return you to your normally scheduled broadcast day.”

Headlines pour in from all over the world. We read…

Newsflash: Heavy snowfall in Hades today, temperatures plummeting. Ice on the lake of fire! Devil baffled!!! Global warming is blamed. Meanwhile on earth; Politician tells truth! (Headlines today from the Netherworld News)

Meanwhile back at the White House; The ‘Joe-handlers’ are called on the carpet; Inside sources say it went something like this;

“I thought it was your turn to watch Joe…”.

“Me??? I thought it was yours!”

The O-staffers; suspiciously looking like Larry, Moe, and Curly are bickering; “I told you we should have brought in a ventriloquist to be the spokes-dummy for him!”

The other staffer pokes first staffer in the eye…”You’re the dummy, dummy!”

“Yeow! Oh, wise guy, are you?!!” …whacks the first staffer in the head with the ventriloquist dummy.

Third staffer smacks both associates simultaneously…hard.”So ya’ think that’s funny? Do you?”

“Ouch,” they both holler!

“Stop it boys! We’re getting no where! So what do we do now?”

“Ooh, ooh! Let’s bring on the Men-In-Black. We gotta’ neuralize the electorate”

Pokes staffer in the eye! “Whatsa’ matter with you! You can’t neuralize the whole country! What a dummy!”

“Who you callin’ a ‘dummy’,  dummy?” …kicks other staffer. Erupts in slap-stick fighting.

Excuse me while the staff meeting disintegrates into a slug-fest. We close the doors as we quietly step out of the room. Pandemonium runs rampant as the melee escalates.

So Joe tells the truth and all the self-lobotomized fanatics go into an uproar? Note to disturbed party hacks: Do Not Panic. Joe will be ‘parroting’ the official approved party line after his inevitable trip to the woodshed. Wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall? “Bad Politician! Bad Joe! No more telling the truth! Now repeat after me…”

Washington cannot tell a lie, or is it…Washington cannot tell the truth?!! Or maybe they can’t tell the difference? Somebody must a’ chopped down a cherry tree again!

The unofficial word is that this was a secret government experiment to restore public confidence in elected officials. Please do not be disturbed; this is what elected leaders are supposed to do. “This was a test. We repeat, this was only a test…we now return you back to your normally dysfunctional government.”

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